Ravaged
by Katie4ever
Summary: Merlin has thoughts of a certain witch. The conflicting feelings can't be ignored forever. Sort of AU.


**I have not written a Merlin and Morgana story in such a long time. I wanted to get back into the show that helped me begin writing, and though I have yet to watch more than two episodes, I love this series. It's just so...charming, I guess.**

**Anyway, here's Ravaged. A not so pretty side to Merlin's life after Morgana. Oh and yes, very much Au in its own right. :)**

Merlin watched the grass dance switfly with the wind. He had to admit that he knew that they admired her. He did too, before she turned into a cruel, cold witch

Foolish really, but Gaius and the others were clear in their expressions of Morgana. Even Arthur, who usually didn't care about anything but being King -now- was always torn in what to do with Morgana. Merlin's easy escape was to worry about things when they came to be. No use in worrying over nothing.

He sighed. Trouble was, Morgana was never nothing.

"Still busy thinking Merlin?" Gwen greeted with a gentle smile. In her hands she carried a flower vase. Her and Arthur's room was looking very empty and the lack of life made her wish for some color. So she strolled that day to get some flowers. Good for her, because now she had good company.

Merlin nodded easily to her. It was easy to put a smile when he was with Gwen, she was able to cheer him up. "Yes, but I'm glad you're here. What are you doing?" He asked when he noticed the vase.

"Oh." Gwen smiled when she looked at the vase. "Would you like to come with me and pick out some flowers? I'm sure it would be helpful to both of us." She said hopefully.

Merlin looked around, then nodded. "Okay."

They made their way to the great garden and began to walk around, looking for flowers. Gwen stopped everyonce in a while, touched a certain flower, then proceeded to continue.

"Are you still thinking about her?" Gwen asked softly, referring to Morgana. When Merlin tensed she looked at him apologetically. "I'm sorry, Merlin. I just wanted to make sure that you were okay. It looks like you need someone to talk to."

Merlin shook his head, words unable to form in his mouth. "N-no."

"Merlin, please, I can see you withdrawing from all of us. Talk to me. Tell me what's making you like this."

"I'm fine." Merlin lied, though he wasn't sure why.

"Something tells me you're guilty." Gwen said softly. Merlins's eyes widened and that confirmed her suspicion. "Merlin, it wasn't your fault that Uther's dead."

"Yes it was." Merlin said inaudibly.

Gwen searched his eyes, looking for some answer to her question, an answer he refused to give her, but nothing.

"I'm sorry, Gwen. Can you please excuse me?" Merlin gave her a smile before walking away.

He was sure that he was obvious when he had began to withdraw from the others, but he had hoped that it would not be so obvious so soon. He sighed and leaned on a tree, looking around. The forest was empty. It had been a while since he had gone outside of Camelot to stretch his legs and get herbs for Gaius.

"Forgive yourself, Merlin." Gwen whispered to herself. A useless attempt for Merlin to hear her.

MMMM

Merlin lost thoughts here and there, but the ones he wished he could forget would not leave his wounded heart. There they weren't thoughts anymore, they formed into feelings, destructive emotions that condemned him into a bottomless pit of self-hate.

Merlin wasn't a negative character, but the stress of past events were beginning to take a toll on him. He sighed when he found some quiet corner in the castle. He let himself sit down on the floor, by the wall, and relaxed. He closed his eyes. He saw her, clear as rain. Beautiful, even after his mind supplied all the horrible acts she had been part of.

It was a lot of times that Merlin wondered why he thought of her so much, why she was always there in the back of him mind, taking over him, even when she was gone.

Merlin opened his eyes. In truth, he didn't want to know. His chest began to hurt, his heart ached.

He closed his eyes, to calm his troubled thoughts. He didn't want to know why he thought of her, sadly, the answer would not be avoided for ever.

MMMM

"Merlin, hello." Gwen greeted.

Merlin stood from the table and smiled at her. "What brings you here, Gwen?"

Gwen shrugged as she looked around Gaius and Merlin's quarters. "I just wanted to see how you were doing. And apologize." She added quickly when Merlin began to shake his head. "Whatever you think about, that's not my business, but we worry about you, Merlin. I'm sorry that I breached the topic without concrete thoughts. I just wanted to help."

"I know." Merlin sighed, looking away for a second. "I'm just not sure what to do anymore. All I can think of are the times when she used to be here. When everything was okay and not in total.."

"Chaos?" Gwen supplied with a sad smile. "Life happens that way."

"I just wish that she would've never left."

Gwen rounded the table and surprised Merlin by engulfing him in a warm hug. He froze for a second before hugging back ."Thank you." He whispered.

"You don't need to thank me." Gwen said back, cupping his cheek. "Just come back to us, Merlin. Let go of the past. It's time you moved on." A deep, dark sadness swept itself into Gwen's eyes and Merlin knew that she was telling herself that with as much effort as she was telling him.

They both needed to forget Morgana.

MMMM

Merlin traced his thumb over his fore finger. He had tried to use magic earlier, practice made perfect, but the attention he usually had was slipping away faster than before. He was loosing himself in his daydreams, much to the chagrin of those around him.

The reason? Merlin had realized why he could not let go of Morgana. It was a hard truth altogether, but he finally opened his eyes.

He was in love with her.

Merlin closed his eyes tightly, trying to hide from the truth, but it was ill made, for the truth was inside of him, becoming him. The truth was him. His feelings, they ravaged him up, promising to take over his mind and conscious. He sighed.

Gaius entered the room and one good look at him, he sighed, putting on his best fatherly smile. "Tell me, Merlin. I won't stand around and watch you wallow like this."

Merlin shook his head. "There's nothing to say."

"There's always something to say." Gaius disagreed calmly.

Merlin sighed and he wondered if he could try and be honest with Gaius, at least this once.

"Tell me." Gaius pleaded.

"I...I miss my Mum. I miss my simple, old life, where I didn't worry over who I was. Of having my life at risk. Of being threatened with death just because of the person I was born to be!"

With each word, Merlin's feelings arose inside of him and he looked away from Gaius to calm himself.

"It's always hard, and it won't be easy either, but you have to give it time, Merlin. Times will change, I know it. Soon this won't be in your mind." Gaius looked at him like he knew Merlin hadn't told him the truth, but he didn't press the issue. He just looked away and went on to work on some herbs. Merlin watched him go, quietly, wondering.

Lost in thoughts of the past, in thoughts of Morgana.

**~* Please Review *~**


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